Those long-awaited supplies finally arrived today. My blood boiled when I saw the mailing date on the envelope - November 10th, a full 3.5 weeks after I had paid and after the seller had almost immediately marked the item as "Shipped" on Etsy. I would understand if it had been mailed within a few days after I paid and it was just the postal service or customs' fault for delaying delivery, but that wasn't the case. The actual delivery only took 5 days from the U.S. to Auckland.
My business cards and labels also arrived -- they look AWFUL. The image is unsharp and dark and the business cards are flimsy and cheap. Thankfully Vistaprint have a satisfaction guarantee and have refunded my money.
A good friend emailed me, suggesting that by wanting to give up now I appeared to be choosing pessimism and putting roadblocks up to my own success. I've been pondering this, the source of my willingness to pack it all in when only a few months ago I was so excited to devote the next year to really giving Art & Clasp a shot. I have had some personal situations that have left me feeling like I have few resources left to deal with frustration. Additionally, a big part of it is financial - I am struggling on my very low, very part-time paycheck. After paying for gas, which I seem to constantly be putting in the car, my handful of monthly expenses, and assorted Kenzo-related costs, there is not a lot left. Living with my parents, far from everything, is proving to be much more difficult than I anticipated. So my recent experiences with wasting money on sub-standard supplies has really hurt.
But mainly, I think the problem is that I am not proud of the jewelry I make. I feel like it is assembly work with pre-made charms and images that anyone could do. As you probably know, I don't make those pretty images in the pendants myself, I buy them on Etsy - and I am always acutely embarrassed when someone thinks I do make them myself. A hole punch, a bit of glue, choosing a few charms, some opening and closing of jump rings, what is talented and creative about that? Even some of the lovely comments you left, using words like "unique" and "lovely" and "beautiful" -- I feel like they are not warranted. If I made those images (and I have tried unsuccessfully), or handmade the charms, I would be proud of my products. But as it stands I feel kind of like a sham, gluing a few pieces together and calling it "handmade" creativity.
This (and my last post) are NOT an attempt to fish for compliments or encouragement. I just want to explain where my head is at, and not appear like a child stamping my foot and throwing everything away because something isn't immediately going my way. So for now, I have decided to put my Etsy shop back on vacation, while I figure out my next steps.
What I really want to do is work on my painting so that I can eventually put those into pendants. There are a couple of painting workshops in the new year at universities here in Auckland that I would like to take (there are some wonderful workshops online, but after signing up and paying for one I discovered the internet connection at my parents' house is too slow to handle the videos for it...). In the meantime, I've accepted that I need to find fulltime work in order to find a place to live and to fund any future creative attempts.
Wow, this is a long post. If you read this far, thank you! I am so very grateful to have my online friends and community. Thanks for being wonderful!